laurenhill: Archive

“….one of those long, romantic novels, six hundred and fifty pages of small print, translated from French or German or Hungarian or something — because few of the English ones have the exact feeling I mean. And you read one page of it or even one phrase of it, and then you gobble up all the rest and go about in a dream for weeks afterwards, for months afterwards — perhaps all your life, who knows? — surrounded by those six hundred and fifty pages, the houses, the streets, the snow, the river, the roses, the girls, the sun, the ladies’ dresses and the gentlemen’s voices, the old, wicked, hard-hearted women and the old, sad women, the waltz music — everything. What is not there you put in afterwards, for it is alive, this book, and it grows in your head. ‘The house I was living in when I read that book,’ you think, or ‘This colour reminds me of that book.” —Jean Rhys (via starsmending) (via spilt-inkbottle) (via philomel)

Jul 18, 201039 notes

Jul 18, 2010

Writing.

I need to. Do more of that, that is.

Why have I stopped? I used to say it was because I was happier, because I was pleased and mostly content with my life. And OBVIOUSLY I can’t write when I’m happy. Whatever.

I’m looking forward to going back to school. I’ve made a promise to myself, but we’ll see how long it lasts me. Me making these types of promises is equivalent to others’ New Years resolutions - they are forgotten easily. BUT, the point is: No more sitting around in my room when I could be out with friends - drinking or no drinking. I will not say “Nah, I’ll stay home tonight” just because a party is far away. Or because it’s cold outside. Or because it’s at a frat. You only live once, right? Cliche expression, but it’s always, always true. You’re only 20 once and then it’s gone. I might as well enjoy the underage drinking and other college nonsense while I can.

I have this problem about wanting to grow up too fast. I’ve felt it more and more this past year… The wanting to get out of college and have a family, wanting a real house and a real job and total financial independence. Sure, having a family is basically the only consistent desire in my life (besides wanting to live in San Diego..), but why the hell am I spending so much time craving it, when it’s not going to get here any faster?

I have heard, time and time again, to wait until I’m old(er) to think about marriage and children. I’m tired of hearing it, because I know so many successful marriages and families that began when they were young. A few decades ago, I would probably already be married. I know my mom says it because she had a failed marriage in her 20s. But her own, singular, failure has completely defined her attitude towards young families and young couples. She’s convinced that no one should marry their first love. No one should marry out of college. No one should have kids until they’re 30 plus. Why? Just because she has a happy life because she got married and had kids when she was 40? No. It’s those kind of generalizations that make me so angry, in general.

I’ve always hated being told that just because I’m young that I’m naive, I’m ignorant, I’m unaware of the workings of the world… bullshit. Sure I’m young, sure I still don’t feel like an adult. But why treat me like I’m completely immature and can’t figure myself out? I’m not inclined to marry straight out of college, I don’t want to have children until I’m financial capable of doing so. My family, immediate and otherwise, has always seemed to have this attitude towards young adults, that they are incapable of making responsible decisions, and that everyone, without exception, makes terrible mistakes in their 20s. When the hell did that become a norm?

I remember hearing somewhere that young people are always waiting around to be accepted as real people. You can’t drive until you’re 16, you can’t smoke until you’re 18, you can’t drink until you’re 21, you can’t have a rental car until you’re 24, and you aren’t allowed to have an opinion until you’re 30. Why is this acceptable?

I am a total traditionalist, and I do believe in respecting authority and your elders, as long as they remain within your own moral boundaries. But the whole idea that our ideas, our morals, our social liberality, etc. is unacceptable just because we’re young and “don’t know better” is bullshit.

I apologize - this is tending towards a full-fledged rant as opposed to a nice, well-written entry. I started off with a promise to myself and end up irritated with older generations. My point was: I am trying hard not to want to grow up too fast, and I think the reason that I do want to be that socially acceptable age for marriage/children so quickly is because of this stupid idea that I can’t have an opinion or be taken seriously until then.

Make sense? Maybe.

Jul 17, 2010